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Ricky Martin began the week by announcing to the world that that he was a homosexual. To which the more astute members of the world responded by saying, “Stupid. Next time don’t waste our time with such nonsense.”
I mean, really, what’s next? Lil Wayne holding a press conference to confess that he has been using drugs? Tyra confessing that yes, she has had cosmetic surgery? Kanye writing a book in which he admits that he was dropped on the head as a child? Some things are so obvious that you don’t have to squander precious internet bytes on them. We have known that Mr Martin was that way all along.
I mean. He looked gay. I mean the way he looked was gay. I mean the way his eyes were when they gazed at the camera was gay.
Let me explain. Ricky Martin was an eye-rapist. You know those people who don’t just undress others with their eyes, but actually flip them over and spank them and smoke cigarettes after?

A post that should have a photo in it but does not posted on March 29, 2010 - 4:32pm

There is a statue of an elephant at the entrance of Nakumatt Oasis shopping mall Kampala. It stands about five feet high and is a reasonably good statue. It looks like an elephant should. None of this “abstract representation of elephant-ness” or “symbolic of elephantitude” that “artists” use when they, as I suspect, can’t be bothered to actually make a proper statue but really want the cheque.
If people hate what they don’t understand, then that would explain my attitude towards abstract art. I see abstract art and I want to stab it in the neck. And then I begin to hate myself because my anger itself has taken a cue from the painting and expressed itself in an abstract form.
There is an elephant at the entrance to the mall.
I was at the mall the other night, after BHH, and looking over at the mall entrance, was able to watch how others observe the elephant.

A brief interruption. posted on March 24, 2010 - 12:20pm

I hate to interrupt an important discussion like the one my esteemed colleague Ms Cheri aka Sherry Darling has been holding with her last post below, so I shall keep the shenanigans to a minimum and get right to the point.
BHH is this Thursday. It has been decided that we  change venue from Mateos to Barbecue Lounge, Centenary Park because it’s further from the hook. Please join us for BHH at Barbecue Lounge Centenary Park. Qwela will be performing.
Now, please, move on to the post below this one and think about your position as an privileged, middle-class African living in the midst of widespread want and poverty and about Western celebrities, and about charity. We owe us.

Crying Rivers posted on March 21, 2010 - 10:24pm

Dear Editor,
I cried last night. I always cry inside, but very rarely shed tears. Yesterday I shed tears.
BBC has a bi-annual charity programme (sport and comic relief) in which they run comedy skits and other programmes specially created and written for the purpose of encouraging viewers to donate money or whatever they can to the the relief programmes that are run by the relevant charities. The charities that benefit from the money raised are not just limited to the UK but are located all over the world. Most of them are in the 3rd world.
This week has been a particularly busy week for sport relief as people do stuff that they hope will help raise some money towards this cause. Great stuff is done. Some years back, David Walliams (comedian and star of Little Britain) swam the English-French channel in a little over 10hours and raised more than £500k.

Now, where were we? Oh yes. Cont’d. posted on March 18, 2010 - 1:39pm

Where were we? Yes…
1. What’s worse than your boss telling that he has had to make a very tough choice and that he is afraid he’s going to have to let you go?
Your boss telling you that the reason is that he can’t work with you AND sleep with your wife at the same time.

What’s worse than hearing that your favourite FM radio presenter is leaving your favourite station to go to work in Nairobi?
Jimmy Jones 75.
What’s worse than hearing your boyfriend on the phone throwing lyrics to another girl?
Hearing your boyfriend on the phone throwing lyrics to another guy of course. That one was obvious.
What’s worse than arriving at the office cafeteria at 12:30 because you were THAT hungry and when you get there you find that Maama Mmele isn’t going to show up because she has gone to help out at Kasubi Tombs?  She has taken all the food she cooked there to feed the distressed Baganda who have camped at the tombs to mourn. As for you there is nothing to eat.

What’s worse I posted on March 17, 2010 - 5:48pm

What’s worse than seeing the driver in the speeding taxi you are trapped in whip out his mobile phone and start a conversation?
Hearing him say: “Yo, Iguana was off the hizzle last night, nigga! Fly bitchez was wall to wall, for shizzle. Nigga we was popping Tuskers like muhfuckin mineral water, son. I’m still blazed, I swear. Seeing double just!”

(more on this story as it develops)

Public Service Announcement for Women’s Day. posted on March 9, 2010 - 2:55pm

Man speaks in gruff voice: You womanny. Go in da chichen and pulepare supper. Harrap! And I don’t catch you eating a gizzard otha waise allo subject you to abuse such as: phyico, mento andi even emotiono!

Woman: My husband, don’t you know dat I havu rwights enny-shrined in da conschushonny? Moreso today, which is International Wemenny’s Day, da day to commemolate da achiements of da wemanny and cerebrate our mansipationny.

Man: Is it turue?

Woman: Yes. Join us in cerebrating the cause of wemeny mancipationny.

Man and Woman together: Together we can do mowa.

This was a public service announcement brought to by my idleness.

The Cousin of Death posted on March 4, 2010 - 2:06pm

P. B. Akiiki

In the latest song by the Grammy award-winning singer-songwriter Alicia Keys (a.k.a. Praise Birungi Akiiki, if you prefer to use her birth name and not her better-known stage pseudonym) she appears to be suggesting that listeners “try sleeping with a broken heart.”
This should not be taken at face value. Because she is saying it Ironically.
Ironically is something some Grammy Award-winning songwriters do where, to emphasise a point they make it appear as if they are advocating for the opposite. Common examples are Eminem, who really loves his mummy vewy vewy much, and Jay-Z, who finds New York crowded, noisy and full of rude people.
What Akiiki actually means, therefore, is that it is very difficult to sleep with a broken heart.

The Revolution. Man Shawls! posted on February 26, 2010 - 5:51pm

On Monday, when it rained all day and was as cold as the evil and mean as your cruel little heart, there were reports we heard that men had been sighted on Kampala streets wearing shawls.
I don’t know where they got those shawls. It is my hope that they did not buy them for themselves, but rather, that they stole them from women they live or work with.
At last men have found the courage to break free from the oppressive societal brainwashing system that has kept us cold and freezing.
Too many times I have walked these mean streets, these damp, cold streets, freezing and  dying inside. Without an ass. The ass lies abandoned on a floor somewhere because, well, it has been frozen, as expected, off. Have you ever tried to walk without an ass? Not easy.
I don’t want to brag, or maybe I do, but this was actually MY idea. I started this gangsta shit…

Two words: Man-shawl
August 2007

Wait. Think about this first. Let’s think about this.
What are our alternatives?

The Other View posted on February 23, 2010 - 4:34pm

Darlkom recently blogged some delightful photos of Kampala Road at Dawn. You can see them here.
After she did that, I found myself with a bit of time to waste. So, presenting, things you don’t see in Kampala at Dawn because you are asleep.
1.

Godzilla.

2

A spaceship. The Starship Enterprise, no less
3.
Who watches the city at dawn?
4.